Tag Archives: Friendship

John 21: Weak, Unworthy, Loved

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I’m always amazed how kind and gentle Jesus is to his friends on this particular morning — the same friends who fell asleep, cowered, ran away, denied him in his darkest hour. These men, like me, were weak and unworthy disciples.

But Jesus doesn’t scold them, guilt them, or abandon them, although their sins and failures were fresh. Instead, he speaks words of peace, works a miracle, makes them breakfast, and gives them the chance to profess their love for him again. He’s calm, loving, and forgiving in response to their weakness — a beautiful picture of how Jesus deals with us each and every day.

Then he said, “Follow me.”

This is the kind of Friend I want to follow always. This is Jesus, to whom I sing: “O make me thine forever, and should I fainting be, Lord, let me never, never outlive my love to thee.”

John 13: Jesus, Savior, Friend

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With everything that’s about to happen — betrayal, abandonment, torture, crucifixion, coming face to face with wrath — Jesus doesn’t for a moment cease to love and serve his friends. He doesn’t take “me time” to rest and prepare for the trials (literally) to come. Instead, he strips down, humbles himself, and washes the grimy feet of his disciples. It’s a story I’ve read so many times, it’s easy to gloss over, but today I’m in wonder at what patience and grace it took to wash their feet. So thoroughly and thoughtfully, knowing his time had come, knowing what was in store. It wasn’t hurried or halfhearted. He wasn’t distracted or dejected. He was present, still teaching them the lessons they would need when he was gone, including the “new commandment” to love one another, just as he loved them. What a savior! What a friend!

John 11: Because Jesus Loves Me

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“Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus” (v. 5). To me, this is one of the most beautiful sentences in scripture. The naming of specific people is comforting; it’s so different from the generic “blanket” love of Jesus for all people that I heard about growing up, as if there’s no difference between his friends and enemies, believers and unbelievers. This is a very personal love for his friends.

But I also love that this sentence is followed by, “So…” Everything that follows happens because Jesus loved these three friends. Jesus stayed put for two more days BECAUSE he loved them. Lazarus died BECAUSE Jesus loved them. Mary and Martha suffered in mourning for four days BECAUSE Jesus loved them. Lazarus was raised from the dead BECAUSE Jesus loved them.

If only I could see my struggles through that lens. Whatever I’m going through, however I’m feeling, it’s because Jesus loves me, and he sees the bigger picture. In fact, he’s the artist. Today I’m struggling for several reasons — recent sin, concerns for a friend’s health, worries about the future. I hope that as I meditate on this verse for a little while longer, I can see myself in this love: “Now Jesus loved Bryan. So…”

John 3: Friend Of The Bridegroom

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“He must increase, but I must decrease.” (v. 30)

The humility of John the Baptist always amazes me. He looked, dressed, and ate like a wild man, and was ridiculed, jailed, and beheaded, yet Jesus said there was “no one greater” than John the Baptist (Matthew 11:11). That’s probably because of John’s laser-focused mission to glorify the Messiah. Although he was related to Jesus by blood, John’s primary role was to prepare the way, which required him to joyfully decrease so that Christ’s glory would increase. He was content to simply be “the friend of the bridegroom” (v. 29). May the same be true of me.

The Love(s) Of My Life

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Living the celibate life means facing claims that, because I’m not married or having sex, I haven’t truly experienced love. Sometimes those claims come from the culture, or worse, my own heart.

While it’s true I haven’t experienced an exclusive love — the sacred “one flesh” union so many people enjoy — that doesn’t mean I don’t know what it means to love and be loved. I have to remind myself of that pretty often. And in a marriage-oriented, sex-obsessed world, it takes more than a pithy remark about love coming in many forms. Sometimes I have to LITERALLY start listing the ways I experience love through the people God has placed in my life.

The friend who sends postcards from wherever she happens to be — quirky, handwritten reminders that our friendship matters.

The “mahernas” who for years have shared my burdens, rejoiced in my victories, and made me eat (nay, drink) my vegetables.

The friend who lives far away but says “good morning” every day and finds things we can do together: read books, watch Netflix, memorize Scripture.

The couple that invites me over for movie nights and homemade (slightly burnt) dinners, and stays up late with me after their kids have gone to sleep.

The “stupid” friend I tell everyone about, with her Twiggy lashes and fancy hair, who laughs with me till my guts hurt.

The woman who leaves me little love notes, prays with me, and sends invitations even if she knows I’ll be out of town, just so it’s clear I’m WANTED.

The bride who made me her “man of honor,” and whose house is gonna be REALLY close to mine on the new earth, right by her brother (and the dinosaur ranch).

The one who puts up with me 40 hours a week but still wants to spend time with me out of the office, and who’d rather call me “friend” than “coworker.”

The ladies I’ve known since junior high but even now, in their thirties, make time for “hangover” once a month — sometimes more when we really miss each other in between.

The family that lets me walk into their house without knocking, raid their fridge, play their piano, cuddle up on their couch, and even takes me on family vacations.

The neighbors who became brothers through years of churchgoing, Nintendo playing, Survivor watching, Bible studying — who know WAY too many embarrassing stories about me but aren’t ashamed to say I’m part of “the fam.”

The friends who found me via blog and “stalked” me until we became real-life friends — the kind that sing together, take strolls on the beach, all that California stuff.

Then there’s family — my own blood, that is — my parents, brother, adorable niece, aunts and uncles in strange, faraway lands (aka Kansas).

Of course, there are many more, but I’m already over my word count (and probably your attention span and/or capacity for mushy stuff). But in my heart, the list goes on.

So yeah, as a single man, I can’t dote on the “love of my life” (unless you count Jesus, and most people don’t). But I can tell you what I know: my heart belongs to these folks. I’m theirs and they’re mine. Maybe it’s not the “Honey, I’m home” kind of love, the wedded bliss, or the goodnight kiss, but these are the loves of my life. This is love, and it’s the real thing.

Review: True Friendship

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Drawing inspiration from the Book of Proverbs, Vaughan Roberts paints a picture of biblical friendship in his tiny book, True Friendship. Roberts said he designed the book to be read in roughly an hour (but encourages readers to meditate on it for much longer). I’ll stick with the brevity theme and write a review you can read in three minutes, with a quick breakdown of each chapter.

True friendship is crucial

We’re designed for friendship with God and each other. As God’s image-bearers, our capacity for relationships is rooted in the community of the Trinity. So friendship is essential to Christian living, not only because it makes us more like Jesus, but because true friends help us to live wisely. “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17). Married or single, male or female, pastor or layman, we all need friends to walk beside us as we pursue God.

True friendship is close

Lots of us have hundreds of online friends, but still lack “a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24). Roberts encourages us to pursue a range of friendships, but to keep especially close those friends who share our highest goal of glorifying God. Jesus made time for many people, but shared special moments with his disciples. We can build friendships in the same way, keeping in mind the risks and rewards that come with having close friends on this side of eternity.

True friendship is constant

King Solomon said, “A friend loves at all times” (Proverbs 17:17). Roberts takes this wisdom to heart, urging us to be intentional about maintaining and strengthening our friendships. This could be as easy as weekly get-togethers with loved ones, but it also requires walking alongside them in their sorrow, or reconciling after a misunderstanding.

True friendship is candid

Our truest friends are those who speak the truth in love, showing us where we’ve failed, yet steering us toward Christ. “Faithful are the wounds of a friend” (Proverbs 27:6). Likewise, we ought to be vulnerable with our friends, sharing our greatest weaknesses, temptations, and doubts. Only then can we encourage one another with the gospel, and grow together in God’s amazing grace.

True friendship is careful

Candidness, however, is no excuse for a careless tongue. “The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil” (Proverbs 15:28). Roberts warns against gossip. He also reminds us that every person is unique — some need a stern rebuke, while others need a gentle word (and a true friend will know the difference). He also warns against jealousy in friendship, which is often rooted in unhealthy codependency and, ultimately, self-love.

True friendship is Christ-centered

Or “Christ-centred,” as Roberts says. (Those Brits…) The final chapter reminds us that no relationship with fallen humans can meet our deepest needs. Our friends are not messiahs; they can’t save us from our sins, they can’t reconcile us to God. But good friends point us to the one who can: Jesus. He demonstrated the greatest love, and proved to be the greatest friend, when he laid down his life for us (John 15:13).

For more on Vaughan Roberts, check out his story on Living Out.

Review: Same-Sex Attraction And The Church

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One clue that I was gonna love Ed Shaw’s Same-Sex Attraction and the Church… Both Wesley Hill and Rosaria Butterfield, two leading (but very different) voices on the topic, endorsed the book. Their praise is printed alongside blurbs from Russell Moore, Justin Taylor, and Michael Horton — familiar names among evangelicals. I’m also told this was given to 10,000 people who attended this year’s Together for the Gospel conference. So I wanted to see what the buzz was about.

Dude, Ed did not disappoint. [Insert a million heart emojis here.]

Shaw has written something beautifully honest, yet surprisingly optimistic. As someone who experiences same-sex attraction, Shaw balances the STRUGGLES of his sexuality with the OPPORTUNITIES it’s given him to serve the Church and become more like Jesus. But the book is more than a personal narrative; it’s a call for the Church to change how we view celibacy, to make it easier for same-sex attracted Christians who want to remain faithful to God’s design for marriage and sexuality.

To do this, Shaw takes us through nine “missteps” the Church has taken that make it HARDER for people to remain open to celibacy. I think it’s helpful to list all of them here:

•   Your identity is your sexuality
•   A family is Mom, Dad, and 2.4 children
•   If you’re born gay, it can’t be wrong to be gay
•   If it makes you happy, it must be right
•   Sex is where true intimacy is found
•   Men and women are equal and interchangeable
•   Godliness is heterosexuality
•   Celibacy is bad for you
•   Suffering is to be avoided

Shaw tackles each topic with biblical aplomb, showing us where we’ve adopted a worldly perspective and how to realign our beliefs with God’s Word. I found myself cheering for him as he urges the Church to redefine family the way Jesus does — not by blood but by adoption into God’s family. I smiled at the passages that see friendship (not just sex) as a means to true intimacy and fulfillment. I applauded his courage in challenging us to change how we measure holiness — to recognize that same-sex attracted Christians need not become heterosexual to experience real sanctification, and to understand that when God causes ALL THINGS to work together for good, that includes same-sex attraction. With every misconception Shaw obliterated, I became evermore joyful in my singleness. It’s crazy that a book can do that.

I felt especially convicted by the first and last chapters. With regard to the first misstep (see above), I realize how sexuality has become a bigger part of my identity than I’d like to think. That’s due in part to the culture’s influence on my worldview, but it also has something to do with writing so much about sexuality; I talk and think about it more than ever before. But ultimately I want to be known as a Christian, not a gay or celibate or [choose your adjective] Christian. With regard to the last misstep, Shaw reminded me that suffering plays an important role in becoming more like Christ (1 Peter 4:12-19) — something I can easily gloss over in my attempt to look at the bright side of life. Honestly, the struggle of same-sex attraction has lessened the more I’ve come to see singleness as the HAPPY ALTERNATIVE to marriage, but that doesn’t mean there’s no suffering in the Christian walk. I hope to never give that impression, because the Bible certainly doesn’t.

OK, personal stuff aside. Same-Sex Attraction and the Church is for all of us — to remind us WHY we believe marriage is reserved for a man and woman, and HOW we can serve those in our churches who, because of their sexuality, have chosen to remain celibate. Or, as Shaw says, “to rebuild the plausibility structure so that we can live in light of the Bible’s clear teaching.” He reminds us that the gospel is, indeed, GOOD NEWS! This book deserves more than a sales pitch, but seriously, BUY IT NOW! I walked away totally encouraged and convinced that, yes, the Church can make celibacy a good thing. I even read the appendices!

For more on Ed Shaw, check out his story at Living Out.

Why Repress Your Sexuality?

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I’m not sure I could be any more open about my sexuality (notice I’m saying this on the internet). But when you’re a celibate Christian who deals with same-sex attraction, this question comes with the territory. Mostly from skeptics or progressives who think submitting to God’s will is akin to sexual repression. I guess they think I’m pacing back and forth, biting my lip, wringing my hands, at constant risk of spontaneous combustion due to unmet sexual desires.

Nope.

I don’t think God expects people created male and female to cease and desist all expressions of their sexuality, even if they remain single. In fact, what helps me most in dealing with same-sex attraction is not repressing but rather EXPRESSING my sexuality — particularly my BELIEFS about sexuality — through openness, friendship, and celibacy.

OPENNESS

There’s a certain freedom in coming out as a Christian who experiences same-sex attraction. I’ve been talking to family and friends about my sexuality for nearly 14 years (the entirety of my adult life) and blogging about it for the past four. Being open has created an environment at home, work, and church where sexuality isn’t taboo. The topic comes up in normal conversations — sometimes when I’m sharing my perspective on faith, and other times when I can’t help slipping in a hilarious gay joke. I’m also not afraid to talk about the beauty of a man. For example, Liam Hemsworth. (Liam > Chris) I’m 100 percent open about my sexuality. It’s pretty much become part of everyday life.

FRIENDSHIP

I don’t let same-sex attraction keep me from pursuing meaningful relationships with men. But rather than pursue sexual relationships, I pursue same-sex friendships. The sexually repressed person might shy away from people he or she is attracted to, nervous to get too close. But one of the perks of SSA (yeah, perks) is the godly men I’ve come to know precisely BECAUSE I’m open about my sexuality. That includes guys who don’t freak out when I hug them, kiss their face, or hold their hand beyond the span of a handshake. I’ve also become close with other gay Christians whose love for Christ and shared experience of SSA have helped form friendships on par with David and Jonathan. I simply wouldn’t have these relationships if I’d repressed or ignored my sexuality.

CELIBACY

Skeptics see celibacy itself as a form of repression, especially for same-sex attracted Christians who choose to remain single due to their convictions. But celibacy is an especially poignant expression of our sexuality. By remaining celibate, we’re living the truth that marriage is a covenant between one man and one woman, a symbol of Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:32). There are people out there who think I’m doing this whole celibacy thing not because it’s something I actually WANT to do, but because I’m trying to please my parents, my pastor, or some mean old man in the sky. They dream up every possible reason I’d refrain from having sex except the ONE reason I’ve always been honest about: I want to live in joyful submission to God’s good design for sex and marriage. Because I believe in it. Because I believe in HIM.

Repression, for me, would be to ignore my convictions and turn away from the truth God has revealed to me through his word. But I’ve found freedom in expressing myself within the bounds of his will.